𝖄𝕺𝖀𝕿𝖀𝕭𝕰

𝕿𝖀𝕸𝕭𝕷𝕽

𝕿𝖂𝕴𝕿𝕿𝕰𝕽

my birthday was 2 days ago from writing this, i am now 24. i feel weird about now formally being in my mid twenties with how little ive accomplished, but i guess im still alive and that should be enough.

with my savings, some new birthday money, and help from my partner, i'll hopefully be going back on t in 2 weeks. i'm very grateful of the help im recieving from my partner in the wake of my business starting to fail and not being able to get a job, i'm not sure where i would be right now without her. hopefully some day i can pay back that generosity. it'll just be nice for sure to feel at home in my body again and hopefully start going back to the gym and build up the strength i've lost.

anyone been keeping up with homestuck 2? it seems like its getting a little complex but i mean, its not the the source material was too simple itself. I'm kinda liking it so far, the jadetok animation was kinda nice. i havent been super consuming media lately aside from my nightly few episodes of its always sunny in philadelphia with mal, so i don't have a whole lot to super talk about that isn't like music related. i guess i could yammer about that real quick.

end of last month a couple of musicians i listen to dropped songs or albums that were pretty good. first i'll talk about 'CRASHDUMMIEZ' from BLCKK and ISSBROKIE; pretty good collab album. there were a couple songs on there that weren't really my taste but thats okay bc my taste is self admittedly pretty bad. I really enjoyed 'drugs.', 'my own', and 'DATBOI' from this album.

joji released "PISS IN THE WIND" this month as well. I haven't had a chance to really sit down and full stop listen to the album, but of what i have heard off of it, i really enjoy this one. sounds are a bit similar to early works from his catalog but a bit better mastered which i really enjoyed. 'PIXELATED KISSES', 'hotel california', and 'sojourn' are my favorites from this album.

finally, the guy i've been obsessed with for a few months, MKULTRA has come out with a single and an album set to release on march 6th. Loved the grunge sound on 'BE HUMAN' and have been very excited to see more works come from this project. Civillian with a Million Faces came out in 2024 and was such a nice evolution of sound that i've been stoked for more. If you ever check out music from MK, be sure to listen to works from 'The Divine Comedy' and 'Theatre of Cruelty', as i feel these two albums are where MKULTRA truly shines.

anyway, thank you for reading the slop that comes from my brain. I'll be back when i have more to talk about.

-thenewtz / Matthew

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hello again everyone, im back to speak my mind about random stuff again. there's alot going on so im not sure how long this blog is going to be.

my birthday is this sunday, i turn 24 this year. its not felt like any time has passed since my last birthday, mostly because i've not been mentally present in a long while so i don't remember most of last year unless i read my journal. hopefully it goes okay, especially going to the city this weekend. everytime we go to a mall i always have some weird interaction, last time it was some kid trying to buy the hoodie off my back which freaked me out tbh. sorry to that kid for being rude, i dont like being grabbed by people i don't know and causes me panic attacks lol. but mostly i'm afraid of the masked fucks that have been spotted in the mall area and the recent bathroom bill.

im sure its not a super big secret that i live in the midwest, specifically kansas. they've recently passed sb 244, which will limit my ability to use the restroom in public spaces. i know this bill is primarily targeting trans women, which is a huge problem for me too, but its not safe for me in women's restrooms. i don't look remotely female anymore except my height and my customer service voice, and that can pose a genuine problem if someone decides to take issue with my existence. i've always been terrified of public restrooms, even before transitioning so i'm used to avoiding them, but theres times where i absolutely have no choice but to use them. if they fined me or charged me for public indecency it would ruin my life completely, as it would with any other person in my tax bracket. gender policing needs to fucking stop. and for any cis readers out there, there will come a day that even you aren't safe from this. please remember that.

still no job, and not sure even what to do at this point about it. i skipped my therapy appointment to go to a job interview and i haven't heard back. they said most likely i would hear by the end of this/next week, but at this point i'm thinking that somehow i bombed this interview too. i thought it went well, i had relevant experience and knowledge since one of my special interests is plants, but they did mention other canidates with similar experience, so maybe they went with a better option. i guess my bad for having limited hours i can work. or whatever intrinsic thing put me in the non-hire pile. i even shaved my beard for this. fuck im so tired of even trying.

need to go to the doctor and dentist, no health insurance. no one hires me. can't work more than 30 hours a week unless its a sit down job due to the fact my body is literally rotting from the inside out. too awkward or manly for any straight edge position. at this point, just fucking kill me i guess.

my apologies that these entries have been very grim and depressing, my life right now is not good. my only saving grace is my partner and getting the occasional snail post in my dms. maybe hopefully i can get away from the mold in my house, start feeling normal, get a job, and get out of this state soon, but until then i don't feel like things are going to get any better until the world we live in changes, or i detransition and kill myself due to the despair that will bring.

-thenewtz / Matthew

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hello again, here to yap again about the state of things and just speak my mind i guess.

i've been frustrated with my presence online and have seriously been considering closing this chapter in my life. no matter how much work i put into things, its never just enough. everytime my partners stuff blows up and gets +1k interactions i get the well of jealousy and rage in my stomach and that shouldn't happen. she deserves that attention 100% but i always catch myself wondering why does my art not get appreciated like hers? our styles are so similar, yet i'm getting a small fraction of the attention she gets, and its fucking crushing. i shouldn't feel this way and i feel awful for letting myself feel that way at all. its not fair to her and i shouldn't feel entitled to the attention, and double not fair to her because she's the only person still encouraging me to keep doing this.

theres also the aspect of ai and the lack of commissions i get now. so much so that i struggle even calling this my job now. its all futile and worthless even trying. here's a post i made on my tumblr blog about how i feel about all of this:

ill keep it real with y'all, the climate with art is making me want to just quit. i log onto snapchat, mom posts some ai garbage to her profile. i log onto my discord, my sister is posting ai gifs to my server. i log onto facebook to repost some photos my partner posted, grandparents are now using ai for their companies branding instead of asking me like they used to. i post, little reaction on every social site unless its fan art. no commissions. havent gotten consistent commissions since october. no one cares about my comic (fair its just for me mostly but still), and the only thing people care about are my short form speedpaints. does shit like this make anyone else grim on their outlook with art? just waiting for the day one of my drooling family members run my shit through ai now. -mheartlocke (my personal blog)

it hurts me to write this all, sat here pathetically crying because i know if i give up, all of this would have been for nothing. i've self isolated from everyone to the point that most of my friends don't even bother to check on me anymore after i became unemployed again, and drawing is the only thing that fights the deep loneliness i feel when my partner goes to work for 10hrs every day of the work week. i don't know. maybe its best i quit.

-thenewtz / Matthew

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hello again. i'm starting my week of trying to stay off of social media. i have such a weird relationship with social media, i know it harms me and i know due to my addictive personality it is ultimately bad for me to scroll dopamine overrun algorithms but i use it as my job and way to keep occupied when i am alone. i used to go out to the country where i couldn't get service and just stay in the camper my mom had out there for a weekend to avoid this feeling i get, but the camper has been sold and my partner doesn't really enjoy camping/too busy with work/being away from internet. maybe one day she will, but i get her reasons.

things keep getting more and more scary as the days weather on, part of my break is just not being able to see any news. tired of seeing everything going on here and in the world. everything just kinda feels futile at this point.

i hope everyone is doing well after the winter storm. its times like these that i'm happy im not living in maine still, among other reasons. maybe one day i'll be able to bring myself to go back, but definetly not during the winter. plus i don't even wanna know how much driving up there would cost in gas nowadays. nonetheless, stay warm.

-thenewtz / Matthew

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this is my first blog post i guess, hey. i havent really messed with my neocities much and everytime i do i mess up the code somehow so my apologies for leaving this site mostly dead.

i'm going to be a little more personal here since this is a very niche form of posting. currently i am still unemployed, no matter how many interviews i go to or applications i put in, i never get the job. i never can understand if its my appearance not matching whats on my paperwork as a visibly trans man, not enough skills, seeming offputting as an autistic person, or that i can't work many hours due to fibromyalgia and lupus kicking my ass hard if i go above 25-30 hours a week. i've been trying my hardest but idk, maybe i just live in a horrible area. i wish my commissions would pick back up so i wouldn't feel all this pressure and that i could afford a dr appointment to go back on my hrt, since my old dr wont write me another script (promised bloodtests that no one will give me bc they 'dont do hormone checks' (liars) and can't afford to pay my last appointment bill since it was 342 dollars) or just a dr appointment in general, pretty sure i have mold poisoning tbh.

im mostly just shouting to the void here and testing how this would look/trying to open up ever so slightly. its hard for me to do that after everything i guess. sometimes i wish i could go back to who i was in 2020. who knew a biden party would change the trajectory of my life forever LMAO. maybe i can move out of this biohazard of an apartment, almost 900 dollars for the cheapest duplex alive and mold poisoning, what a fucking bargain. i dont know man. either way i guess i have my girlfriend and thats all i need for now. maybe one day we can both get away from here.

watched evangelion this month, enjoyed it but i gotta like watch a video essay on the end of that movie or something i think im too dense to fully get it. i love shinji. excited to see the rest of the movies eventually with my gf, she says konwa (i think thats his name im too off the edible to google it rn) has a bit more presence in them and i wanna see more of that guy. dude really showed up to have 2 gay scenes with my guy and then fucking dies. askua's death made me sob i had to go smoke after that. anyway, 10/10, up there with devilman crybaby i think. if you read this and have animes similar i should watch use the comment box below. the messages go to a discord server and i am the only one that can read them. if i feel like responding, i'll do so in a post in the future.

okay yeah im getting dizzy now this shit is kicking in hard. thank you for listening to me, i gotta go

-thenewtz / Matthew

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updating when i find a streaming service to transfer to